I've been thinking about praise a lot lately. Maybe it's because I'm in another power struggle with Natalie who's stubborn, not listening and pushing me to the edge. Maybe it's because I'm reading a parenting book called "No." Or maybe it's because I worry I don't give my children enough praise.
Regardless, it's on my mind.
And apparently on the minds of millions of others.
Think about it. Our society has built an entire culture around making our kids feel good about themselves. Books, experts, magazine articles, programs, activities and more are all aimed at either praising kids directly or teaching parents how to do so.
Our family runs into it all the time. For example, Jason enjoys taking the kids to building workshops at Lowe's and Home Depot Saturday mornings. The kids get a free shop apron, assemble a free wooden kit with Jason and learn basic work working skills. It's genius - the store draws in customers while providing honest-to-goodness quality child-parent time.
What's wrong with that, you ask?
Nothing. Until what comes next. The leader of the class hands out signed participation certificates, along with badges or pins. Participation certificates. For doing a fun activity. Really? You can't even do something for fun anymore without being rewarded.
It creeps up in less noticeable situations too. Natalie has accumulated a pile of participation certificates and ribbons for attending gymnastics and swimming. She hasn't passed a level (she's only 4), accomplished anything more than what they've asked of her nor shown stellar talent.
As a mother, I'm initially touched by the gesture, proud of my daughter. Then I cringe. If she's receiving all this glory at age four for just participating, what will she expect from me, her teachers, her coaches, her mentors, as she gets older? How will she learn that activities can be good for a person in and of themselves? Gymnastic lessons strengthen her muscles, make her more flexible, could lead to a long-term sport and oh, did I mention she LOVES doing gymnastics. Why can't that be enough?
I must also point my finger at myself. I think about all of the times I tell my kids "You tried really hard. That's good enough," when perhaps I should have pushed them further with gentle encouragement. As parents, Jason and I need to be more aware of when it's appropriate to praise and what exactly we're praising. We also need to find a better way of navigating the over-praising we run into and refocus it for our children.
After all, Gavin's hand-built football stand and Natalie's crafted bird feeder are big enough rewards. They shouldn't need a certificate to prove it.
Have you run into any over-praising situations yourself? Do share.
2 comments:
The one thing that might be cool about these little certificates is to save them as a record of all the cool things your kid did as a child. But I'm not a scrapbooker so they'll all get tossed or shoved into a box. I am cognizant of the overuse of "good job" for every little thing a kid does. I try to praise the effort more than the result.
We tend to over-praise Miles, for sure. But only because we are also SO VERY OFTEN scolding him. It's one of the two extremes with him. So we try to do positive reinforcement as much as possible. He hears "naughty" way too much in his life!! :-)
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